Starting Anew Can Be Hard To Do
by Carbo
Summary: Throttle has returned to Mars and to Carbine, but things aren't going as expected.


**Starting Anew Can Be Hard to Do**

Summary: Throttle has returned to Mars and to Carbine, but things haven't been going as expected.

Written by Carbo

Disclaimer: BMFM is not mine, but the story is. Please ask for my permission for other than personal use.

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You might think a relationship usually works better when you're on the same planet. You might think so, but relationships are never that simple. Or maybe we are just too messed up, incompatible, emotionally deprived. Whatever the reason, ever since he came back there has been little interaction outside of yelling, and it seems it's only getting worse. Lately it's gotten so bad we've started avoiding each other, and when we do see each other we either fight or brood in bitter silence. Things are not alright.

People have started to cast worried looks and ask questions. And that blonde bitch from radio transmission has clearly seen her opportunity, I swear her cleavage has gotten wider and her shorts shorter.

Elyse has tried to talk to both of us, me mostly. I haven't been all that responsive, really not the most talkative about personal issues. She asked me a very good question yesterday, one that I did not answer: Why?

I've been thinking about that a lot. We've been away from each other for so long and I think both of us have changed and grown. We don't really know each other anymore and maybe don't know how to deal with it. Elyse says I should talk to him about it and that's a problem. I know she's right, but I just can't bring myself to do it. We're not good at talking, never were and before we never really needed to either. We were good at passion, we were good at combating side by side and in the old days there was plenty of both. Now there was less combat and more paperwork. God how I hate paperwork.

"Carbine?"

I startle at the sudden sound, breaking the silence of the strategy room. I turn and see Elyse.

"You alright?" She asks me. "You look so tired."

I sigh and turn away. "I don't know how long I can stand this anymore." I try to keep the emotion out of my voice but don't quite make it.

"Then I think you should fight with him and not against him." She says comfortingly and places a warm hand on my shoulder. I turn my head and find her smiling at me with slight mischief in her brown eyes.

"What exactly did you have in mind?" I raise an eyebrow and feel my spirits lifting a little bit.

She waves a paper at me and smiles. "A nice little gig perfect just for you. I snagged it from transmission before anyone else could see it. A group of Sand Raiders are reportedly robbing a mine a few miles east."

I smile at her with genuine gratitude and hug her. "Thanks Elyse. I really appreciate it."

"Well you better, you know how many bored hotheads are just waiting for the opportunity to let out some steam." She scowls and waives her tiny finger at me.

I laugh and feel sorry for them. After she leaves I go and look for Throttle. I feel a little restless as I do, but fortunately not as full of apprehension and suppressed anger as before. Instead I feel a little bit hopeful.

I finally find him in the hangar working on his bike. He's been really protective about his bike ever since he came back and hasn't let anyone else touch it. He doesn't seem to trust the new mechanics, but I think there's something else there too.

He looks a bit apprehensive and mournful when he notices me. Looks like he's been thinking about things too. "Hi" He says dolefully. He even looks a tad embarrassed. I wonder what has triggered it, we have been falling out for quite some time now.

"Listen…" I wonder what to say next as he gets himself off the ground and rubs his hands clean, or cleaner.

"I um…have a job for us." I say flatly, not wanting to go into any of that 'we need to talk crap, yet. He looks curious, one eyebrow popping up behind his shades. "A job?"

"Yeah, a few Sand Raiders up to no good. Need I say more?"

"No, never do." He grins like a kid, like Vinnie, obviously perked up by the possibility of some action. It doesn't take too long for him to be sitting there all buffed up and in his new black uniform and his new shades, bike shining. He looks so good, well he always does. I have to chuckle at him just a little. He hears it and turns his head toward me, squinting and scowling behind his shades but then breaks into a smile.

"Come on General, we going or not?" He asks and dips his glasses. I smile, very pleased with his response, get on my bike and off we go. The ride doesn't take long and soon we find ourselves in battle with three dipods. As he goes in for the kill so to speak, I cover him. He's so completely in his element, that look on his face I don't get to see even in bed. It's a shame really, having him here as a peacekeeper. He hates the paperwork and the patrols. It's not enough for him, and it seems I am not either. The thought of that hurts me, cuts through me more painfully than I'd expected. We've always been independent, strong and driven in our directions, so why does it hurt so much now?

It's over soon and the remaining hyenas scurry off on foot. He walks towards to me, limping a little, but satisfied and I hurry to him and check him over. Just a laser burn in his leg, otherwise he's unscathed. I feel his eyes on me as I examine the wound. I look up at him and I can see the regret in his eyes, even through his shades. I feel his gaze reaching far inside me, into places I haven't been able to open for him in a long time, or anyone else for that matter. Then he averts his eyes and clears his throat, a little uncomfortable.

"We should probably stay a while, in case there's more." He says, scanning the horizon. It's unlikely there'll be more, Sand Riders are few in number these days and scattered across the planet in small concentrations. He knows that.

"Fine by me. I brought a bedroll with me." I stand up and clean the dirt from my knees and find him looking at me with one side of his mouth curving up ever so slightly

"A bedroll?" He asks and steps closer to me, close enough for me to faintly feel the heat of his body and smell the fresh sweat on his fur.

"Coming here wasn't just about Sand Raiders was it?" He asks, more serious, more present.

"No. Just as us staying here isn't." I say and poke a finger in his chest and his face turns ever so slightly red. "I should've known, can't fool you can I."

I shake my head and smile. He looks down at the finger still on his chest and grabs it and my hands and leads me to my bike. It feels good to hold his hand. We take the bedroll and some supplies and climb up the wall of canyon to a ledge a few feet off the ground. The sky is getting a darker shade of red, there is little daylight during this time of year.

It feels strange sitting there beside him, watching the horizon. It kind of feels like a first date with both of us a little bit nervous and uncomfortable. On the other hand, it's all so familiar and unfortunately there's a heaviness there between us. During the time he's been here, there's been little in the way of genuine affection between us and no real communication. We have had some steamy make up sex, but even during that there's been a lack of closeness between us, a lack of trust. Sitting there with all that on our shoulders feels heavy. But then out of no where, he takes my hand into his and I feel a little bit lighter. In fact, I feel myself let out the breath I'd been holding. He seems to relax a little as well.

Barely a minute passes and he puts an arm around me and pulls me close to him, very close and I feel his muscles tighten as he holds me. I feel a sudden rush of sadness along with joy and affection and feel tears prickling in my eyes. I look up at his through the blur and see a tear slowly making its way from under his shades and down the side of his nose. He holds me tighter and presses his nose into my hair.

"I'm sorry." He whispers. My tears flow freely now and I feel…I just feel so much I don't know what is keeping me from bursting. I weave my fingers into his hairs and sob quietly and want him never to let go. "I'm sorry too."

We stay like this for I don't know how long, until he finally somewhat loosens his grip on me and wipes my tears away with his finger. Some time passes with us just recovering from the emotional tide wave and then he just starts talking and bit by bit tells me everything. There were more worries in his heart than I had thought.

"I don't know who I am anymore Carbine, I don't know where my home is. This place, I grew up here and still I feel like a stranger here…like a stranger with you."

Hearing that was incredibly painful, even though I knew he probably felt that way. How hard it must be to feel like a stranger in your own home and with the person you love the most.

"I feel useless…old" He says and looks ashamed, casting his eyes to the ground. "This new planet with its hopes and dreams, with its new systems is for the young. I don't feel like I have a place in it. I'm a Freedom Fighter, not a Peacekeeper… I'm a relic."

"That is not true." I say sternly. "Of course you've had and will have trouble adjusting, but you'll find your place, it just takes time." I reassure him softly, place a hand on his face and stroke his cheek with my thumb. He nods and I think he at least wants to believe me. That's a start. He smiles at me softly and places his hand over mine and I feel a warm jolt traveling through my arm into my chest and stomach. I reach out with my other hand and take off his glasses.

"Can you see?" I ask him huskily.

"Enough." He says and smiles wider and it reaches his eyes. I love his eyes, they're probably my favorite thing about him and it's a shame you hardly ever get to see them. They're so warm and kind, intelligent and beautiful. I can't tell you how good it felt to look him in the eye and see that look in them, to see into his soul and know he's looking into yours.

"And with you?" He asks after a long pause, reluctant to break the moment of silent closeness.

"Huh?" I frown, too lost in the moment to make the connection.

"Will I find my place with you?" He asks all serious and cute.

I smile reassuringly at him and say: "It might take time, but you will, you better." My smile turns into a grin.

He returns the grin and snakes his hand into the small of my back. "I better start working on it then." He pulls me close, nice and tight and then moves in for a kiss. And I give him one, boy do I. I take him in with all my senses, my mouth, my hands, my nose.

That night, right there on that ledge we made real love for the first time in so many years. It was tender and slow, and I felt closer to him than I probably ever had. It was strangely familiar and new at the same time. The two of us, both older and changed, yet deep down the same eighteen-year-olds that had fell in love such a long time ago, came together face to face, lips to lips, fur to fur. It really felt like a new beginning.

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Notes: Being Finnish, I don't really know what the hyenas (sand riders, sand raiders) are really called.


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